Still missing

Almost a week (post EDD) had gone by and Joash I miss u very much. I do not have the courage to pack your stuff and if you are still around your dad and I will be so happy. I really thank God for bringing into our lives a new life but both of you are different as an individual and daddy and mommy love you both. I am really praying hard that this will be a successful pregnancy. Joash if mommy had found out earlier that I have a condition of APS, I will be carrying you in my arms. I know you are in good hands now Joash even better then here on earth. We will always miss u and hold u dearly in our hearts.

Missing you always...

One and a half month had passed, not living a day w/o thinking of you. Whenever I hold other ppl's baby, I am thinking how good if this is my son, or either that I am thinking I can't even hold my own child why am I holding others. Joash you will have another 10 more weeks before you are due, but you left us too early. How God I can't keep my mind not thinking of this child you had first sent, my first born son. God if You are willing will You sent me another child that are healthy and born full term. Lord I want a miracle and hoping for a miracle. And I am sure Joash you too will wish to have another siblings to be with here with mummy and daddy right?

Miss u dearly son

Don't let them say, I wasn't born
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave
I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone.
This world was worthy, not, of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face.
You have my word, I'll fill your arms
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes"
But that won't soften your worst blow..
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
another child you'll bear.
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand.

Although, I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes..
That doesn't mean I never "was"
An Angel Never Dies........
~Unknown

2 months

Tomorrow is 1st May 2010, Joash if you still in mummy's tummy you would be 27 weeks 5 days. I really do miss you so much. Feeling so melancolic as I am sitting at Hongkong cafe. Sitting here see so many parent bringing their babies and pushing prams around and background music playing Chinese song that goes 為什麼要離開我，是不是我做 錯了什麼。。。really sometimes I am still thinking what have I done wrong to deserve such thing. Joash how I wish you are still here and around.

Yah Lan came and took our cgm yesterday... She preached abt the sacrifies of praise in difficult time. I understand and understood totAlly. As my EDD is approaching the more I feel lousy and frustrated because I know there will not be a bb in my arms to hold and cuddle. God teach me to be positive and continue to trust in ur faithfulnnes and love for us. 我要有一個勇敢的心。

It's finally here

Yes it's finally here... AF is here... for the 1st time I am so happy you are here finally!!!
Time for me to plan and try again......

Meet a friend yesterday at iretro, she asked me how's everything and thought that I had already delivered my baby. Yes I had but came out dead. Then I met another friend and she was pregnant with her 2nd child, she's about 5 month plus into her pregnancy... how jealous I am and how much I missed being pregnant.

What Makes a Mother

45 days passed

Today is the 45th day Joash but it seems so long long long . Actual fact is, it's not long at all but mommy has been too eager trying to get pregnant again cause I just want a baby to hold as i miss you too much.

Till now both mommy and daddy still talk about you, think about you. Joash we never stopped missing you...how about you? Do you think of us often too?

Joash if you are still in mommy's tummy you will be 25 weeks and 3 days. How I wish you are still around!

Bless the Lord O my soul

Bless the Lord O my soul and let all that's within me bless His holy name!
Bless the Lord O my soul and forget not His benefits.

I command my soul to bless the Lord always, even in circumstances which I don't feel like it. I want to continue trusting in God, that He will always provide, He is omni-potent, His mercies is new every morning.......His plan for me is always good and my hope and future is already crafted in His hands.

Lord, I want to draw closer to You, help me in the area of my unbelief and faithlessness. Restore to me happiness and joy.Help me believe, help me overcome help me know even though I can't see Your hands but I can trust Your heart, Lord I pray.

Returning to work

Managed to pull through the first day of work despite I am down with flu and cough. Thanks to all my dear colleagues for being so understanding and helpful.

It's really a drag to return to NUH especially to KRW, it keeps reminding me of the fateful Monday on 1st Mar. However, I have to overcome this. Yah Lan did tell me before I can overcome all griefs and saddness because I have God in my life. Indeed, I am learning and trying to cope with the days without Joash in me. Though there are still many questions which is going through my mind that no one can answer, I choose to continue to trust in Him. Sometimes, I am just wondering what is my dear baby doing now? I can't help but tears will just fill my eyes. Joash you are always in our hearts and minds. Joash you are forever miss by daddy and mommy. God had given and He had taken away, but I do believe, He will surely give again and this time is for me to keep.

God I pray take away all grief and saddness within me, mend my broken heart, let me start afresh and move on with life. I can't do it without You Lord. You are my peace that guards my heart and help in times of needs.

Forever missing you

Time passes so fast yet so slow. It had been 28 days since I lost you, yet on the other hand I will be starting work tomorrow. For the passed 28 days, Joash daddy and mommy never pass a day without missing you. But deep down inside our hearts we know you are in good hands and forever miss by us.

There was a baby dedication service yesterday and happened that one of the boy named Joash.I am just controlling my tears from rolling down, at that point I really wanted you and miss you so much.

I was telling daddy yesterday I was once a mother and he a father. He told me " No, we are still a mommy and daddy except that our dear Joash is being baby sit by Jesus for the time being..." I could feel the tears all dripping down from my heart.

Craziest thing we will do

I guess today is the craziest thing we will ever do.... We made our way to expo for baby fest 2010. It's something we looked forward to when Joash is still around, hoping we can get a stroller and cot from the fest. Well there are not much stuff except for cheap diapers and some baby cot. Been thinking we could get all these stock up for Joash. We miss him. Then headed down to great world city planning to catch a movie... After getting the tickets guess wat we ended up walking into mum and babes. Saw a few beautiful cot but no use buying it cos there will not be baby lying in there. Joash how we wish you are still around. We miss u :(

Mommy miss you Joash

I've been waiting for you for such a long time
You're always on my mind
And I'm laying awake most of the night
Waiting to hold you tight
Now that I do, and look at you
MY heart is breaking, this can't be true

Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On Earth we never can, but in heaven we'll meet again

Close to my soul, close to my heart
Right from the start
Lost in time, lost in space
Can't wait to see your face

Now that I do, and look at you
MY heart is breaking, this can't be true

Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On Earth we never can, but in heaven we'll meet again

Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do
With this pain that I'm going through
But I know one day, God will take me away
And I'm coming home to you

And when I do, and look at you
My heart is healing, I know it's true

Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On Earth we never can, but in heaven we'll meet again
In heaven we'll meet again

Dear Son
The lyrics speaks of what daddy and mommy is feeling. On earth we are not destinated to meet but one day when God bring us home, there we know we will get to see you at the heavenly gates waiting for us and there we will spent eternity together.
Love u son
Dad & Mom

The grace of God

It has been 2 yrs since I last updated our blog. Yes, after the proposal, we are pronounced MAN & WIFE on the 10th Aug 2009. Time really pass so quickly ... I am blessed to have a happy marriage life. A very loving and understanding husband, not rich but never hesitate to give me his best. And I love this man very much. I thank God for giving me a good husband.




This marriage and timing I thought was so perfect when I found myself pregnant with Joash in Oct 2009 and his EDD is on 25th July 2010. And we were both so excited about him. We were anticipating and planning for the things we are going to do and discussed what school will he attend... etc ... etc... We decided on the name JOASH because is he is a gift from God or God's given.... Joash Lee such a beautiful name.

A picture of Joash 12weeks old in mommy's tummy


Joash had always been a good boy. From day 1 of pregnancy, I never had morning sickness... the only time I puked was after eating Yam Cake... um guess that's the only thing Joash didn't like. My pregnancy went on very smoothly throughout the weeks and I am surely a happy mommy and yogi a happy daddy. And of cos from the scan we would see that you are a happy baby dancing and sucking your thumb in the ultrasound, and you are never shy of revealing your sex to us...we love u son :)

Then came the fateful day on the 1st of March 2010, during a check-up that found Joash's heartbeat stopped. My world suddenly came tumbling down. I was shut off, I don't know what to do, Yogi looked so lost..... My darling is dead...at that moment all our dreams, visions, goals and things we had planned are gone. He is my first born, and why God had given and now he choose to take away? Questions and reasonings on what causes all this keeps haunting my mind. My poor BB is gone.

Perhaps, he is not destined to be with us on earth. God's way are always higher than ours. But why of all people and of all babies my Joash... 3 weeks has passed and we had never gone through each day without thinking of you and missing you. Joash, daddy and mommy always wanted to hug and cuddle you... I always remember the old children hymms I love to sing to you as I am walking around in the hospital.... Now we are left with nothing, except for a heart that longs for you. We no longer able to look forward for you to call us daddy and mommy. But I am sure, now you are well taken care of and waiting to meet us when time has come.

Joash daddy and mommy wana let you know, you are forever our first born son, no one can ever replace. Though mommy had only had you for that 19weeks, we would like to thank you for bringing so much joy into our lives. Farewell, my son and we will surely meet one day.

Dad and Mom miss you.

The song I always sinf for Joash.